In this article, I am going to describe the process of guilt from a socio-cultural perspective. I am going to briefly talk about shame, and will present the general points of intervention to reduce guilt that is disproportionate. I will then introduce IFS language to work with the parts involved in the process of feeling guilty.
Guilt as a self-inflicted disturbance
Guilt is a disturbance of our energies and psyche. It does not have a physical impact that is visible, yet it is a very strong emotion. It is an example of our individual power and the collective power to influence the energetic fields of human beings. The IFS ideas of parts, inner system, external system, burdens and legacy burdens can be useful to understand the complex process that leads us to feel guilty.
Guilt requires that the person holds the idea of what is good and what is bad, and this is based on two aspects
What the external system has decided (spoken and unspoken norms);
If and how the inner system has accepted and internalised (introjected) the point above with various degrees of self-awareness.
Guilt is, therefore, fed by all thought forms that buy into this paradigm. What I am saying is that every judgement, be it “positive” or “negative” reinforces the duality of good and bad, and, therefore, feeds the possibility of guilt.
In order for good to exist, we need its polarity. This is the essence of the polarised world in which we live. The only way to diminish the power of a polarity is to consciously stop feeding it by no longer giving it our mental and emotional energy. Guilt only exists when the individual person believes that they have done something wrong. We have created volumes of laws and regulations, written and unwritten, explicit or implicit to make sure each human being knows what is right and what is wrong.
In order to sustain this level of auto-regulation and for people to adhere to these norms, guilt and shame are needed (for this article I am using guilt to describe the experience that “I have done something wrong”, and shame to indicate the experience of “there is something wrong with me”). They are powerful and always active because they are self-inflicted. No one can force anybody to feel ashamed or guilty. Shame and guilt depend heavily on the belief system of a person. We cannot feel guilty or ashamed of something that we believe to be inconsequential.
For example, I am not good at playing football. As I embody e male-gendered body, there have been expectations put on me that I should like football, that I would want to play it and that I would be good at it. Back then, when I believed that, in order to be a proper, masculine boy I had to be good at football, I felt guilty for not being able to kick a ball, and ashamed of not liking it like all other boys did.
Now that I have embraced the fact that being masculine is of little importance to me and that my belief system has changed (i.e. my inner system has changed), there is no amount of social pressure that would make me feel guilty or ashamed about my football skills… At the same time, I still go through the awkward moments when a ball rolls toward my feet and a bunch of people are expecting me to kick it! Part of me still holds a bit of a belief that I should be able to kick a ball.
Guilt from an IFS perspective
I am going to introduce the language of IFS now. For those who are not familiar with it, please refer to my other articles for an overview of the basic terms.
Guilt is one of the most painful experiences we have, and it is largely self-inflicted. When we say that we feel guilty, we are saying that a part of us is telling us that we have done something wrong, that we have screwed up, that there will be consequences. There is, therefore, an inner dialogue going on… if the guilt tells “you have done something wrong!”, it is important to identify who the guilt is telling this to. We can start building a diagram with this information.
Working with guilt with IFS - Image 1
Depending on what the “believer” part thinks, the consequences that we think about might be extremely bad.
Let’s keep a closer look at the “believer” part. This part has absorbed beliefs from the external system about what is good and what is wrong. It therefore holds fears of the consequences for those who are in the wrong.
Scenario 1 - healthy guilt
Let’s look, first, at what I call healthy guilt. In this case, the “believer” part holds beliefs that are aligned with the person’s inner values. I am going to introduce the idea of Self here. Self has got qualities that reflect the fact that, inside of each of us, there is a state of consciousness from which we can be calm, compassionate and we can act in accordance to our highest values. A full discussion on Self is beyond the scope of this article, and, for now, let’s assume that either Self, or Self-led parts hold our values. By this I mean those values that, when followed, make us feel that we are in line with our truths.
If the believer is not burdened by deep held fears, the interaction between guilt and believer turns into a clear action to make amendments. This action comes from a place of acceptance of our own limitations and that we cannot be perfect. It also comes from a place of compassion for those who were somehow badly affected by our actions and, therefore, lead to a heartfelt desire to make amends by means of apologies or actions. In this case, there is forgiveness for oneself, and compassion for others.
Working with guilt with IFS - Image 2
Scenario 2 - unhealthy guilt and burdened parts
Guilt knows our vulnerabilities, and will use them to get us to make amendments. If someone has felt abandoned and betrayed, the guilt will tell the person that the consequences of what they have done will be abandonment and betrayal. If someone has suffered from verbal abuse, this is what their guilt will propose as consequence.
Working with guilt with IFS - Image 3
Usually the receiver of the message sent by the guilt is a burdened part, which is likely to be an exile. The exile starts re-living the fears and the traumatic experiences that left the exile burdened. A third part, technically a firefighter, steps in (I called it “rescuer”) to reduce the level of activation of the burdened part. The actions of this part can be compulsive because the system is in turmoil. These parts might act so quickly that the person might only become aware of this once the rescuer has taken charge.
Unfortunately, things usually get worse because the actions taken by the rescuer might cause even greater guilt. For example, one might use substances, sex, food, shopping or other actions to soothe the burdened part, but the guilt might have more to say against these behaviours. As a result, the guilt becomes even stronger, the exile becomes even more scared, and the rescuing behaviours continue. Do you see the loop?
Working with guilt in IFS
You might be wondering… now what? How do we get out of this?
If we see guilt as a loop that gets into some sort of self attack, the first step is to try and reduce the initial attack by the guilt.
Getting to know the guilt
Imagine knowing the weakest spots of someone and directing your attacks exactly to these spots. Guilt does the same, and it does it because it knows that it is effective. Guilt knows that fear is one the biggest ways to influence feelings and behaviours.
Dealing with guilt is difficult because it is like dealing with someone who knows how to press your most painful buttons. Telling guilt to stop and opposing it does not really work. The only ways to defuses guilt is to act on two levels
Look beyond what the guilt is doing and the pain it is causing, and focus on what it is trying to achieve. Despite being unpleasant, guilt has a good intention behind it and it believes that being guilty is for the greater good.
Work on the vulnerabilities that the guilt uses. Imagine vulnerabilities as hooks that the guilt can use to drag you down. If these hooks are no longer there, guilt will have less leverage on you.
Unblending from the guilt
To achieve the two points above, we first need to “unblend” from all the parts involved. I recently wrote an article on unblending, which you can navigate to by clicking on button below.
A note of caution - this article is written for the general public and for those with some understanding of IFS. If you are dealing with profound guilt and this guilt is linked to strong difficulties due to anxiety, depression and other long-standing issues, please contact a professional.
In order to unblend, it is necessary to identify the parts involved. This is easier said than done. If you are experienced with IFS, and there are many parts involved, you can attempt creating a diagram of the parts. Once they are identified, they might agree to step aside and, therefore, give space to Self energy. From this state, you can have a sense of which part needs to be worked with first.
There are many ways to unblend. When doing this alone, it is easier to have something “external” to use. I find it useful to write or draw diagrams. Some people like using objects to represent the different parts, or chairs where these parts can sit. The possibilities are many and the principle is the same: connecting to Self energy. I invite you to also read my article on Self and Self qualities by clicking to button below. In the article, you will find images and description of all the different qualities of Self that you can call upon when doing inner wor.
Concluding thoughts
If guilt has got quite a strong hold on your system, it is best that you seek professional help and that you dedicate enough sessions to familiarise yourself with the parts involved. Technically there might be various polarisations involved (by this I mean parts that are strongly opposed to each other), and dealing with them without the help of a professional or of someone else that can hold the space for you might be very challenging.
Whether you are a professional working on guilt or someone who wants to work on their own guilt using IFS, I invite you to take it seriously and to give help to all parts involved in the loop.
Remember that all these parts, even if they cause suffering, have your wellbeing at heart and that all parts have a good intention behind it. It is only when that intention is fully acknowledged and respected that parts will soften and change will happen. The key here is to bring Self forward and have each part experience the qualities of Self. There is hope and there is help out there!
